I’ve been meaning to do this post for a long time but because of the harsh reality that I

witnessed on the internet, I held back and bagged the whole idea. But after reading the article from Cosmopolitan UK, I said to myself, why not do it and why not do it NOW? So here I am. Ready and willing to share my own story.

Biggest Flaw

BACKGROUND STORY

I was a normal kid, I mean I’m larger (in size) than an average child but definitely normal. I got no problems with vision or whatsoever. According to my mother, I fell several times and hit my head (ouchie but this continues to date & I still occasionally bump my head everywhere because I’m careless that way) but one day, she let me have my afternoon nap on our small sofa and failed to secure the open end. When I rolled, I fell hard and woke up crying. But just like other days, she calmed me down and put me back to sleep.

Baby Berryduchess

After waking up from that nap, my mother noticed that my eyes were rather unusual. My left eyeball moves toward the inner corner of the eye involuntarily. My parents consulted an ophthalmologist and I got my first pair of glasses at 2 years old.

Baby Berryduchess 4

SPECTACLES

I remember my first pair of glasses has a plastic body (and pink, I think…) and the left lens was thicker because it should magnify my eyeball to create an illusion that my eyes are symmetrical. One gift of being a child is the innocence and that time, the innocence together with the love of my family made me feel like everything is just the same – normal. My mother would always say that the case of my eyes is special. Maybe she was just saying that so I won’t ask anymore.

One gift of being a child is the innocence and that time, the innocence together with the love of my family made me feel like everything is just the same – NORMAL.

mendoza 9

GROWING UP

Meeting new friends and playing with other kids started became, sort of, a problem because kids would mean a lot of teasing and once something looks awfully wrong on their eyes, they will start making fun of it. It was the same thing with my eyes. My sister told me that she would really get mad at those kids who make fun of my eyes! And now that I’m writing this, I’m starting to realise that maybe that’s also the reason why I don’t like playing with other kids. I prefer being alone while scribbling and drawing.

SCHOOL LIFE

As portrayed in movies, when you are the kid who wears glasses in school, you are automatically known as the dork one. Either that or the other kids think you look older than your real age. In my case, I’m both but I preferred not to be stereotyped as the dorky girl in class and I lived my teen years just like other girls – sports class included. I still played volleyball and basketball.

A girl with lazy eyes and wearing glasses will never land a lead role or be considered attractive either.

One thing that I hate was during school plays, I was typecast as “the mother” or those mother roles (rolling my eyes now) and yes, that’s because of the glasses. But later on, I accepted that I can never do the lead role. A girl with lazy eyes and wearing glasses will never land a lead role or be considered attractive either.

berryduchess prom night

I’d be lying if I say that I didn’t feel conscious especially when I hit 16 and started having crushes or meeting new friends. Of course, I did! 100% of the time they will ask about my specs and why my lens are so thick and my constant response is that I have high lens grades. End of discussion.

Inferiority also kicks in whenever I need a full makeup or haircut and thank goodness because we have an uncle who’s a hairdresser & makeup artist at the same time so I feel like I was saved from another judgement from the society whenever he does my makeup and hair.

CAMERA vs ME

Another setback that I’ve realised was when we had our high school graduation photo taken and it was my first time sit in with the photographer. He asked me to remove my glasses and without explanation, I slowly removed it and smile on the camera. The photographer did not say anything but his face revealed the words that he didn’t utter. I know it was a challenge for him but I’m also doing my best to make it work. The final photo? I was looking away from the lens – but in reality, I was looking straight to the camera.

Berryduchess HS grad pic

The awkward high school grad pic

Berryduchess grad pic

Of course, when our yearbook came out, I’m the only one looking away unlike the rest of my batch mates. Same thing happened when I did my university grad photo shoot. He asked me to remove my glasses and after a few shots, he realised that we have a problem and the air between us is becoming pretty awkward.

However, this time my photographer knew what to do. He instructed me to look further left (from my point of view) and the final photo came out as if I’m directly looking at the camera. And yes, I’m happier! Sure I had lens flare but look! I’m finally looking straight on the lens! So after these, I acknowledged that my eyes should calibrate with the camera lenses so we can have proper photos.

nice-print_group-session_denim8

While everyone was looking straight to the lens, my eyes are somewhere else.

nice-print_group-session_black-red

AVOIDING EYE CONTACT

They say that when someone avoids eye contact, it means they’re lying or hiding something. Unfortunately, this doesn’t apply to me. 

One time I was conducting an orientation on a large crowd of new hires and to start a more active participation, I pointed on random people to ask questions and check if they know the basic things needed. So I called this girl and she did not move. Instead, she looked on her left (which was an empty seat) and realised I was calling her. She apologised and continued to answer my question. At that moment, the confident me shrugged off what just happened but after the session, it bothered me. I know I was straightly looking at her but she thought it was another person.

I continued doing the orientation for several sessions and it happened again so I found my way of doing things. I would call people while fixing my presentation stuff as if I was multitasking. That way, I don’t have to engage with eye contacts anymore. Same with public speaking. I always shift from one side to another simply because my lazy eye is playing tricks on my audience.

ON PERSONAL RELATIONSHIPS

I value honesty most importantly on my personal relationships and I feel that embracing this flaw and its downsides should not be kept from my partner. So if I feel that I’ll be seriously involved (romantically) to a guy, I spill the beans and if he accepts me despite the flaw, then good. If he backs out because of the flaw, then I move on. Thankfully, my husband (ex-beaus included) accepted me for who I am and I’m very thankful for that.

AT PRESENT…

On my recent visit to my ophthalmologist, we get to discuss my case and confirmed that what I have is called AMBLYOPIA or in common term, LAZY EYE. Over the years, my left eye became more dependent on my right eye that when I cover the right side, I can only see figures but can’t read anymore. The operation was an option but it’s better if I did it before I turned 18 and tho’ we can still do it now, the chance to have a normal vision is relatively low.

Another option is to operate my left eye and do something like make the left eye permanently steady (yes, not move at all) but why will I do that??? So we agreed that now it’s more of management and since I lived my whole life (31 years) wearing glasses and it’s not interfering my daily activities, there’s really no need to undergo any operations.

berryduchess bnw

Despite the challenges of having a lazy eye, I’m still thankful that I get to live a normal life.  They are just lazy eyes, and I’m not the only one. There are other people who have this and some of them are even famous personalities! I think that everything is just really about a matter of perspective.

This is the reason why I shared my story – because I want you to be inspired that despite your own flaws, you should live,  find true love & enjoy life.

This is the reason why I shared my story – because I want you to be inspired that despite your own flaws, you should live, find true love & enjoy life. Just be confident and set your mind on your goals. Who would have thought that I’ll be married to a wonderful man and be a beauty blogger, right? A beauty blogger with glasses? With a lazy eye? – Yeah. Sure. ME. One of my mantras in life is:

If other people can do it, I can also do it.

And embracing this physical flaw made it easier because I’ve accepted the fact that there are things that I can’t do but it shouldn’t stop me from doing my best and be the best version of myself.

I still have awkward moments with camera lenses (as shown in the recent photos, especially if other people are taking my photos) but thank goodness for phone cameras because… hello, #SELFIE! 😀 Besides, I feel that the specs became part of my signature look that without them, I look & feel like a different person. 🙂

xoxo-berryduchess-december-2016-copy-2

3 thoughts on “ On Accepting My Biggest Physical Flaw ”

  1. Ang cute mo!!!!!! And thanks so much for sharing this story with us. You’re gorgeous, you have killer makeup skills, your experiences have made you strong, and you have people who love you, love everything about you. Not a bad life. 🙂 xoxo

    Liked by 1 person

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